Nonviolent communication is a communication method free from judgements or demands – instead it focuses on emotional liberation. 

NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It quides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas. 

These four areas are called observations, feelings, needs, and requests. There’s no space for defending, withdrawing, attacking or other harmful communications patterns in NVC. I feel like for some people in our team it might be hard to communicate their thoughts or feelings coherently, especially when it’s negative or constructive feedback. NVC can be a great tool for observing, identifying, and articulating problems in our team.  

Using NVC to improve team’s communication skills 

Observations:

First part of NVC is communicating what you observed. As an example we could use a situation where a team member is always late for our weekly meeting.  

I’ve seen that you’re often late for our meetings. 

Feelings:

Next part is communicating your feelings based on observations. How did what you observed make you feel?  

That makes me feel frustrated. 

Needs:

After saying how you feel, it’s time to communicate your needs based on those feelings. What would be needed to make that situation better? 

I need you to be on time so we can start our meetings on time. 

Requests:

Last part is telling your request based on your need. What do you want to change in the future? 

Would you be willing to be on time from now on? 

Result:

When you’re late for our weekly meetings, I feel frustrated, because I need everyone to be on time to start the meeting. Would you be willing to be on time from now on? 

You can’t do a don’t! 

Communicate what you want, not what you don’t want – it’s impossible to do a don’t. Instead, there should be a request that leads to a change. Show the person you’re communicating with what direction that could be done – I’d like you to… not I don’t want you to… Using positive language instead of  negative to express your desires makes the person you’re talking to be more willing to change. 

I think my team has progressed a lot in a solution based conversation but there’s still room for improvement. Sometimes when we’re facing a confrontation, some people tend to use negative expressions on someone else’s desires instead of focusing on solution based thinking. Again, this isn’t a big problem in our team but we could try to seek for more positive solutions for different situations from now on. 

Compromises 

I have personally never really liked compromises – everybody gives something up and neither side is satisfied in the end. Instead, we should find a way to meet everyone’s needs fully. When working in a team, there isn’t winners or losers in debate situations. If a solution doesn’t work for everyone in a team, everyone loses since it has a negative effect in team’s performance. This book gives a few tips to resolve a conflict without compromises, those are: 

• Express needs 
• Search else’s needs 
• Recognize else’s needs 
• Emphatize 
• Verbalize positive language 

A few days ago we had a conversation with our team about how everyone should have the pursuit of understanding others and have a starting point of wishing good for another. In a debate situation, it’s important to express your own needs and search else’s needs and try to understand them. Also, you have to be emphathic and verbalize positive language (remember, you can’t do a don’t!). We’ve had some debates in our team that end in a way that no one could think of in the beginning. Those solutions needed an honest and respectful conversation where everyone’s opinions were taken into account but compromises weren’t made. Instead everyone’s needs were fully met and the result was the best possible solution for our team at that point.